i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
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I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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