We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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