hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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