i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
