I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
