I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
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I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
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I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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