It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
