What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Randomize
