she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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