Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
