Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
