My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
