I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
