I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
