i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
