I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
So squirting runs in the family.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
