how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Randomize
