: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize