Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
