She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
