He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
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