You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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