Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
