dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
