I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
