We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
