im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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