life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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