She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
