I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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