Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
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The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
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I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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