I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.