glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
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That's how twitter works, right?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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