look no pants
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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