I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
