I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
