Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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