I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
