So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Randomize
