so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
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Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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