I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
