you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
