Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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