In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize