You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
