You don't have asthma, your pregnant
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
