chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
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