dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
