i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
