I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
