Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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