thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you didnt know i had herpes?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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