can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
