she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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