I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
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