I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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