you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
